As a mother of three young children, I get to watch a lot of learning happen in front of me. Sometimes it is exciting and sometimes it comes with plenty of frustration. One of my children may be trying to build something that keeps falling apart, learning something new at school, drawing a picture that does not come out as expected, or trying to do something independently that would be much easier if I simply stepped in and did it.

Those moments have made me think about the way children begin to understand mistakes. I want my children to care about doing things well and to take responsibility for their choices, but I do not want them to become afraid of getting something wrong. There is an important difference between wanting to do your best and believing you always have to get everything right.

The older I get, the more I realize how unrealistic that would be anyway. So much of life is learned by doing something, discovering what works and what does not, adjusting, and trying again. I would rather my children begin understanding that while they are young than grow up believing a mistake is evidence that they are not capable of something.

Learning Is Not Supposed to Look Perfect

When children are learning a new skill, we usually expect mistakes. Nobody is surprised when a child learning to read mispronounces a word or when a child learning to ride a bicycle loses balance. We understand that practice is part of the process.

It becomes a little harder when children start comparing themselves with other people. They notice when a classmate finishes something faster or when a sibling can already do something they are struggling to learn. A child can quickly move from “I don’t know how to do this yet” to “I’m not good at this.”

I want to be careful about that distinction with my own children because the word “yet” leaves room for growth. They may need more practice, another explanation, some help, or simply more time. None of those things means they are incapable.

I also do not want to praise only the final result. If I pay attention to how they approached something, I can recognize when they were patient, when they tried another way, or when they asked a thoughtful question. Those are useful skills even when the final answer is not correct.

Knowing When to Help and When to Wait

One of the challenges for me as a mother is knowing when to step in. It can be very tempting to solve a problem when I can see the answer and my child is becoming frustrated. Sometimes they genuinely need my help, but other times I know they are capable of figuring out at least part of it themselves.

I am learning to give them a little more room before automatically fixing things. I might ask what they think they could try differently or which part is confusing them. Sometimes they want help and sometimes they surprise me by figuring it out on their own.

I think there is value in both experiences. Children should know that asking for help is perfectly normal, but they should also have opportunities to discover that they can work through difficulty themselves. I do not want independence to mean that they never need anyone, because none of us lives that way. I want it to mean that they develop confidence in their own abilities while also knowing when another person’s experience or knowledge can help them.

A Mistake Can Tell Us Something Useful

I would like my children to learn to look at a mistake and ask what they can learn from it instead of immediately deciding that they failed.

Maybe they rushed. Maybe they misunderstood what they were supposed to do. Maybe they need more practice. Maybe their original idea simply did not work as well as they expected. Sometimes the answer may even be that they made a poor choice and need to take responsibility for it.

Learning from mistakes does not mean pretending every mistake is fine. Accountability matters too. If one of my children hurts someone, ignores a responsibility, or makes a choice they already knew was wrong, I still want them to understand the consequences of that decision. At the same time, I want them to know that taking responsibility gives them an opportunity to do something differently the next time.

That seems much more useful to me than making a child feel that one bad decision says something permanent about who they are.

My Children Also See Me Learning

I certainly cannot teach my children that adults never make mistakes because they live with me and know better.

There are things I forget, decisions I reconsider, and situations I realize afterward that I could have handled differently. I think there is value in allowing children to see some of that. When appropriate, I can tell them that I was wrong, apologize, or explain that I learned something I did not know before.

I am also building things in my own life that require me to learn as I go. Backus BrightBots is one example. My first published book, Elon Gives His Money a Purpose, is a children’s book that introduces financial literacy and purposeful choices. The book I am working on next comes from a completely different experience in my life and is being written for mothers going through the NICU.

I do not know today what every book I will publish in the future will be. I may eventually write educational books for teenagers, explore real estate topics, write for adults, or discover an idea I have not even considered yet. I am comfortable allowing the direction to develop because I am learning while I build it.

I actually think there is something useful for my children in seeing that. Adults do not always begin something with every answer. We research, ask questions, make decisions, change things that are not working, and continue learning.

What Matters to Me as They Grow

As my children get older, the mistakes they make will become more complicated. They will make decisions about friendships, school, money, work, relationships, and eventually the direction of their own lives. I will not be able to make those choices for them, nor should I.

What I hope I can give them now is the confidence to know that making a mistake does not close the door on what comes next. They can take responsibility, learn something, ask for help when they need it, and make a different choice going forward.

I also hope they become compassionate toward other people who are learning. When we understand that our own mistakes do not make us less worthy, perhaps it becomes easier to extend that same understanding to someone else. We can correct people without humiliating them, teach what we know without making someone feel small, and use what we have learned through our own experiences to help another person.

That is where this lesson connects with something I care deeply about. I want my children to grow into people who use what they know to be of service to others. Sometimes the experience that eventually allows us to help someone is something we once struggled to understand ourselves.

I cannot make every road easy for my children, and I do not think that would prepare them particularly well for life. What I can do is remind them that learning takes time, mistakes are part of that process, and there is almost always something useful we can carry forward from an experience that did not go exactly as planned.

With gratitude and a heart of service,

Claudia Backus, MBA
Founder, Backus BrightBots